So the latest iPhone came out this past weekend. (Heard about it?) It can do so many things I can not comprehend (30,000 apps and counting). It’s just incredible.

I still don’t have one.

I’m so tempted to jump on the bandwagon and integrate this tiny machine into my life. But as lovely as the little gadget is, I have a hard time giving up (read: throwing away) my perfectly good, sufficiently slim cellphone, measuring in at just a quarter of an inch thick—half the fatness of the iPhone. Ha!

But oh, you say, the iPhone is capable of so much more than that old hunk of junk. Well, I understand this argument—but I already own other gadgets that duplicate the key bells and whistles of the coveted device. And all of the pants I pull on each morning feature multiple pockets for stowing all of these little doohickeys on my person, for easy access throughout the day.

In addition to my current cellphone (yesterday’s beauty queen), I carry with me a planner (the paper kind—timeless), which I understand the iPhone has integrated, in digital form. My planner adds but an additional 3/4″, putting it over the thickness of the iPhone, but I do so love keeping notes on actual paper! The extra bulk is a nominal price to pay.

Oh, and eat this, iPhone: I rarely leave home without my digital camera, which I understand you have as well, but mine’s got yours beat! More megapixels, and a flash. All for just an additional half-inch, bringing my total stack up to 1.5″. Peanuts.

Then there’s my trusty iPod—I believe you two share the same mother. I like how itty-bitty it is. Do I really want to go jogging with an iPhone strapped to my arm? I rest my case.

Wait—case not rested quite yet. I almost forgot my little travel-pack of Kleenex, which usually gets a jacket pocket in colder months. It does add some bulk, but hardly any weight. (Where’s your Kleenex app, iPhone?)

Oh, and it’s always smart (they tell me) to keep a ready supply of business cards handy, particularly for the freelancer in the city. My business-card case is really one of the slimmest accessories in my collection—and also something Apple R&D apparently hasn’t gotten around to yet.

Also smart: carrying around a pack of gum (less cumbersome than a toothbrush and paste), for after meals, chance encounters on packed subways, cigarette-break substitutes, you name it. Which brings my overall burden up to three inches. I think I can manage.

I almost forgot—keys! Whew! That would have been a disaster.

And I feel downright naked without a pen handy—clip that to one of my pockets.

And a tube of Chapstick. Weighs practically nothing! As you can now clearly see, I’ve got the iPhone whipped [by some measures] in the multi-functionality department.

One other small small addition, but something I sure wouldn’t want to be caught without in a pinch: a condom. (iPhone, where you at?) Travels with me, just in case, on hot weekend nights, when heading out—all done up, pockets loaded—to the club!

One last essential, when dashing around the big city, relying on public transportation: reading material. The New Yorker serves admirably.

So that’s my total haul, on an average day. A whopping six inches! (Now we’re talkin’!) But distributed among my multiple pockets, bag, and couple of hands (give or take a cup of coffee), it really isn’t that bad.

iPhone, you and I may try to live together real soon, but for now, I think I’m alright.

Sent from my iPhone (jk!)